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The original was posted on /r/cfs by /u/Primary-Ocelot374 on 2026-04-24 02:30:34+00:00.
Throwaway account. Even then I’m worried he’ll see this, but I just need to hear opinions from others who know what it’s like to have CFS. How do you know what’s ’enough’ for your partner to do to help with the housework/finances? I have CFS, I’ve had it for well over a decade along with a couple of the other diseases that often go along with it.
I’ve been with my now-husband for a long time. When we first met, I had been forced to leave my well-paid job and was working part time because, obviously I couldn’t physically do full time and no company in my field hired PT. I was broke but financially independent, and I was definitely pushing my body past what I should, but I needed to make money to survive. Eventually, he and I moved in together. Later, a miracle occurred and I got a job in my field where they would allow me to work part-time. Benefits and everything! Of course I still make half of what I would full time, but it allows a hybrid schedule, good hourly pay, and I am so incredibly grateful.
Here‘s the problem: my husband got laid off over a year ago and has made almost zero efforts to get a new job. (I say almost zero, because he finally applied to some last week.) I know that losing his job really shook his confidence and he was depressed, and I spent a solid 10 months encouraging him, sending him links to free resources that he qualifies for, and doing my best to let him know that I think any company would love to have him. I kept encouraging him to get a therapist, and he finally did. Then, when he didn’t really connect with his therapist, I found him one he does connect with. All the while, I was now the breadwinner of the household, and still doing most of the housework. When both of us were working, we had a cleaning lady come occasionally and it really helped me out, but now we just can’t afford it. He never did help much around the house, but when he was working long hours I understood. Now that he isn’t working, I feel like doing the grocery shopping, loading and unloading the dishwasher, and mowing the lawn just isn’t enough. But I also know that with my CFS I feel eternally less-than because I can’t do as much as I’d like, or as much as any healthy person, so who am I to say he’s not doing enough? (Before everyone asks what he does all day: he plays on his phone. A lot. I *almost* wish he was talking to other women, but I doubt it.)
And then, several months ago, he got sick. It could’ve been really bad. Honestly, if it wasn’t for me spending a significant portion of my adult life navigating the medical system, I probably wouldn’t have been able to advocate for him the way I did. I probably would’ve just trusted the doctors who said “it’s just a virus“. But CFS patients learn that doctors don’t know everything, and often you have to keep pushing, and what to say and how to say it so that you have a chance to be taken seriously. After weeks of caregiving, and no sleep, and hospital visits he had been diagnosed, treated, and was good to go home. He has a lifelong condition, but it’s completely treatable with… a pill. Just one pill every day, back to normal life. I feel so bad for what he went through being sick, and I would never want him to be sick. I know that it’s a mental adjustment for him and he has a right to feel upset. But he feels so sorry for himself and I tried to give him space to feel his feelings. I did remind him that it could be so much worse, and maybe that makes me a huge jerk. But his symptoms could’ve been cancer or an autoimmune disease, and I felt so relieved that it wasn’t. He didn’t share my relief. As someone with an untreatable chronic illness, I just can’t join his pity party for something he makes go away with a daily pill. Raise your hand if someone has asked you “can’t you just take a pill?” for your CFS. Honestly, I feel envious. What a luxury to feel that something easily, 100% treatable is so devastating.
I alternate every day between feeling so frustrated I just want to scream, to feeling like a total piece of crap for not having more empathy for him. I do love him and I know he loves me and I think he’s trying, I just don’t even know what trying “enough” is anymore because I feel like a shell of a human. I’m exhausted , I’m miserable, and maybe I’m a jerk, too. I can’t even tell anymore.
